Through Thick n Thin

back home

2011-06-15T08:06:00.003-04:00

My little cousin, Michael lost his lifelong affliction with Lowe Syndrome on Monday morning.
I've been searching online for an obituary but can't find one yet. I'm relieved that he is no longer in pain and is now back home with his mother and grandparents.

my cousin, Michael

2011-06-08T08:06:00.005-04:00

I have a cousin, He is, oh I'd guess about 35. Michael. Michael was born with a rare disorder called Lowe Syndrome. This involves three major organ systems, eyes, brain, and kidney. I remember when we were little and my aunt visited with him. He would stand with his face against the TV running his hand on it. His eyesight was so bad because of the cataracts so I'm sure the flashing lights of the TV was exciting to him.

As he got older, bigger, and stronger, he was much more difficult to care for and my aunt made the decision to move him into a group home to live with other adults who have mental and physical handicaps.
A couple of months ago he was found unresponsive in the shower. In kidney failure. He was able to somewhat recover and push on. However we are now losing him. His kidneys are gone and there is nothing else that can be done. Hospice in in and they are making him comfortable until it is time to go.
Michael has lived the typical life expectancy for people with this disorder. Death usually occurs in the thirties due to kidney failure. When he was born, he was not expected to live. When he did, the doctors said he would never walk or talk. He did.
I haven't seen my cousin in years. While I feel sad that I am losing him. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just putting the information out there that there is a very rare disorder called Lowe Syndrome. Click on the link. Read a few sentences about it and learn something new. And send thoughts to Michael that he has a painless and peaceful journey home.

keywords

2011-06-05T09:33:00.001-04:00

"1 Visits 2.50% porn extreme child fuacking video "

wtf - seriously - someone from argentina came to my blog by searching
'porn extreme child fucking video'

what the fuck!

follow up on my last post

2011-06-04T09:41:00.005-04:00

To all who read and to all who commented on my last post - Gavin.

I felt a real strong need to share this because people don't know. It is important that they do. Even if Autism isn't affecting someone they love - it may be affecting the child who is having a meltdown at the grocery store because the lighting literally hurts his eyes. Or because there is a funny smell that overloads his senses. Or because that child is having an anxiety attack.
As a parent of a special child, I do my best to prepare my son for different situations and avoid others - but sometimes that doesn't always work out so well. He is better now that he is older, but as a young child - it was a nightmare. I am thankful that I can read clear signs that he is overloaded and he is now being able to express some of his feeling to me to give me a heads up.
He has come a long way and so have I. We have both grown. Him, maturing and me, knowledge. It all is so very important. Autism awareness is important.

Gavin

2011-06-01T13:06:00.006-04:00

If you want to understand more about Autism, This is for you.
First,be aware, this video is difficult to watch. It is not sexual, violent or adult - it is reality.

This is Gavin. You can read his Father's blog here: Lost and Tired
Gavin is 10 years old and has Autism.
This video is of Gavin having a meltdown. It is difficult to watch and pulls at my heartstrings. I live this. So many parents and children live this daily.
While Little Guy does not self-injure as Gavin, there are so many similarities. My child will lash out at others both verbally and physically.
I am not sharing this to show Gavin negatively but just to show reality. Of what Autism does to kids and parents. To some, this meltdown may appear to be nothing more than a temper tantrum. Boy - it is far from it. So far. While Gavin is yelling and scratching, I can see the pain inside of him. I can feel it when I watch this video. I know this little boy is hurting so badly inside but has no control over what's happening to him. Autistic children can have a meltdown like this over the simplest thing to us. They can be overstimulated. Too hot. Too cold. Too tired. Too anxious. Being told no. Being overwhelmed. And sometimes - for no reason at all.

Autism can be a horrible monster.
Be aware. That's all I ask. That child that seems "out of control" or having a "tantrum" - well, it might just be a lot more than that.

2011-05-30T11:37:00.003-04:00

sunday stealing

2011-05-21T12:16:00.003-04:00

Sunday Stealing: The "You Can't Be Missed" Meme, Part 3
Cheers to all of us thieves!

31. What is your absolute favorite dessert?
Fresh fruit- berries, melon, all the good summer fruits mixed together.

32. What can someone do to make you smile, no matter what?
Handing me a wad of cash always works nicely.

33. What do the hip people think of you?
Who are the hip people and how would I know them?

34. What was the last gift you bought someone?
Bought my daughter a laser pointer this morning.

35. What was your favorite class in high school?
Home ec - yeah I was one of those.

36. How many spouses would be about right?
However many works. Keep trying until you get it right...

37. What would you say was the most embarrassing moment of your life?
There really hasn't been any 'most' moments. But becoming Mrs. Fucktard stands up there somewhere. Glad to be rid of that title once and for all!

38. Have you ever donate money to charity?
I'll stick a buck in the red bucket at Christmastime. Does that count?

39. Has porn ever have a good place in a current or recent relationship?
In the past I believe it had made things worse. Currently it's more of a LOL place. Face it - most of the porn out there is pretty damn hilarious.

40. Would you ever dump the one you're with for someone who makes an obvious play and is MUCH hotter?
Not this one. I'm set.

41. Have you ever disowned one of your relatives?
No.

42. Would you think it's OK to cheat on someone if they've already cheated on you?
If there is cheating going on, then something about the relationship is broken.

43. Did you ever consider becoming a teacher?
I did - I decided to become a mother instead.

44. Would you ever give a hitch-hiker a ride somewhere?
Not unless I knew them.

45. Would you ever try fasting for a whole week?
Never.

names

2011-05-15T08:45:00.006-04:00

I'm not feeling it. Are you feeling it?
Blogging. I've noticed that a bunch of other "old timers" are not blogging as often as they used to. I guess life gets in the way sometimes.
For the most part, I'm doing pretty well. Little Guy is holding stable and that's huge. Huge Huge Huge!
Now that the warmer weather is here (or is it?) we've all been spending more time outside. My boys have been running around the neighborhood for much of the daylight hours. I think that hugely contributes to their well-being. Both Little Guy and Big Guy. Now if I could only get Little Miss to get her bee-hind outside and into the sunlight, I'd be happy.

It's been more than five years since I've been free of the fucktard. I've made the choice to change my name back to my birth name. I don't want to be tied to him in any way - shape - or form. Yes, we have children together and that will always be a tie. But who makes the rule that I have to have any other connections?
So I am no longer Ms Fucktard. I am now MISS SunshineAndRainbowsBlowinupYerAss. (heehee) For those of you know know me on faceb00k and in real life - You may have seen the change already.
Funny thing - when I was a kid I hated my last name. Couldn't wait to get rid of it. But now - It's mine again and I am happy and proud to have it.

Mr Man said that this is like being with a new woman. He'll have to get used to calling me by a new name. Might be fun!

Speaking of fucktards. He has been in town for two months now and has not yet seen his kids. Not once. No attempts to even call his kids to say hello. The only time the kids talked to him was because Little Miss called him one night about something and he asked to talk to the boys.
Big Fucking Deal.
So maybe he doesn't have money to take them out somewhere? SO? We have some awesome parks in town. We have three libraries. We have numerous trails to take hikes. If this ass really and truly wanted to see his own children, he would find something.
And I still feel that they are better off to have him out of their lives. Maybe he's read my "open letter" and thought about it? I don't know. Don't care. I do know that the kids are doing really well right now without him in their lives. Coincidence?

What this special needs parent wishes you knew…

2011-05-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

reposted from Lost and Tired

I wish you knew what it was like to walk a mile in my shoes.

I wish you knew the challenges I face raising a special needs family.

I wish you knew that I need help even though I don’t ask.

I wish you knew how difficult and yet amazing my kids are.

I wish you knew how a random phone call could make my day.

I wish you knew how isolated and unimportant I feel.

I wish you knew how tired I am.

I wish you knew how much I hate being questioned, especially in front of my kids.

I wish you knew how completely overwhelming life is.

I wish you knew how much my kids miss you.

I wish you knew how much I miss you.

I wish you knew what it felt like to watch your kids struggle through life.

I wish you knew how heartbreaking it is to hear, “your child is Autistic”.

I wish you knew what it felt like to be a special needs parent.

I wish you knew the sacrifices required to be a special needs parent.

I wish you knew the fear I have of the future.

I wish you knew what it feels like to lose everything.

I wish you knew how much I’d love to hang out, even though I can’t.

I wish you knew how much I resent the fact that you never call unless you need something.

I wish you knew how much it hurts to know my kids don’t remember your name because your never around.

I wish you knew that I cry at night because I can’t do better by my family.

I wish you knew just how much you take for granted every day.

I wish you knew what it felt like to be me.

Four Freakin' Things

2011-04-23T15:31:00.005-04:00

Sunday Stealing: The "It's All About Four Freakin' Things" Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

Four Places I go:

1. Bed

2.In the shower

3. To the grocery store

4.To a zillion different meetings and doctor appointments

Four Crushes I Have:

1.My husband. My soul mate. My lover. My best friend.

2. Jonathan Papelbon

3.Sawyer

4. Chumlee (A joke in our house. Don't ask.)

Four Smells that I Love:

1. Mr Man.

2. The rain.

3. Bread baking.

4. The ocean.

Four Favorite TV Shows:

1. House

2. Lost

3. Diner's Drive-In's and Dives

4. Steve Wilkos (hey I need some form entertainment around here)

Four Favorite Movies:

1. Airplane. (surely you can't be serious)

2. Oh Brother Where Art Thou.

3. Coming to America.

4. The Ten Commandments.

Four Recommendations:

1. Pick your battles.

2. Stay far away from fucktards.

3. Keep your cool.

4. Love.

Four People that I'd love to read their Fours:

1. 2. 3. 4. Anybody and Everybody. I'm easy to please. Leave me a comment and I'll go read yours!

Four Things about me that you don't know:

1. I bite my nails to nothingness.

2. Some day I'm going to be the crazy Shih-Tzu lady.

3. I do - on average - 2 to 3 loads of laundry every day.

4. I have always wanted to open my own shop.

Four bands that I love:

1. Aerosmith.

2. The Who.

3. AC/DC.

4. The Beatles.

Haircuts and video games

2011-04-19T14:13:00.003-04:00

What crazy things have you don't to get your kid to do something. For moms who have kids with autism and sensory issues - we sometimes go to the extreme.
Little Guy needed a haircut. Bad.

Did I say bad?

This is a few months ago. It had gotten much much worse.
Long, shaggy. Beiber-ish but worse. Oh boy the sideburns ......

After days of planning, thinking, bargaining. begging. I finally got him to cave. He agreed to let me have his bead buzzed in exchange for a new game for his Xbox. (oy-vey)
Maybe We should say - *I* caved.
Off to the hairdresser this morning. He was quite anxious. I could feel his heart pounding in his little chest. Little Guy has never had his hair cut by anyone but me. Ever.
He is a kid who I think, that getting a haircut hurts. Really and truly hurts. It can be a traumatic experience for both the child and the parent - and even the hairdresser!
Little Guy did awesome. He listened. Sat in the chair. Didn't move. ( I think he was horrified) Didn't complain about the hair falling on his arms. He say and played his ipod while getting buzzed and didn't say a peep. I was very impressed and so proud. He has come a long way. This was an impossible task before today. Any talk of a haircut would involve yelling. Violence. Crying. Running. It would just be a nightmare. This the reason why it goes so long in-between cuts.
I'm still learning how to work this and get him to be more open to such experiences - but as time goes on, we figure it out.
I do know, It will no longer involve buying video games. Nope. That's a one time shot there.

The finished product - playing his new game, of course.

Because I have nothing to talk about

2011-04-19T11:56:00.002-04:00

well I might later - but for now, Here is this ...

A. Age: 39. I’ll be 40 soon. (eep)

B. Bed size: Queen - and add 2 adults and the 14 pound princess shih-tzu, it's way too small

C. Chore you hate: Washing the floors. I hate it. Would rather wipe up spots with a wipe than get out the mop

D. Dogs: Love them - but won't own another big dog. Once I got Weezie, I'm set with little dogs from here on out.

E. Essential start to your day: Diet Coke, a kiss from Mr Man, and my laptop.

F. Favorite color: Purple!

G. Gold or silver: Either I wear both on my fingers and have many items in each. I have no problem mixing and matching.

H. Height: 5'8" - and eek! my kids are catching up to me!

I. Instruments you play: Does the radio count? I've never taken to an instrument. A musical instrument that is. But I think Mr Man would argue that point. (!)

J. Job title: Doer of too much.

K. Kids: I have plenty, thank you.

L. Live: Cape Cod. A quaint fishing village with a drinking problem.

M. Mom’s name: Maggie May - seriously

N. Nicknames: Mom. Baby. Bitch.

O. Overnight hospital stays: A few childbirths and a few surgeries.

P. Pet peeve: Fucktards and Psychopaths. Wait - isn't that one in the same???

Q. Quote from a movie: I’m not much of a movie person so…I don’t have one.

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: One sister in heaven. Seventeen years later, I still miss her every day.

T. Time you wake up: 6:30 on school days, 8:30 (hopefully) on weekends

U. Underwear: Yes I have some.

V. Vegetables you dislike: Mushrooms. Lima Beans.

W. What makes you run late: Life. It always seems to get in the way and screw up my plans.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Plenty - probably every part of my body at one time or another. The last one I had done was of my hip.

Y. Yummy food you make: Everything I make is yummy. Serious. I am an awesome cook and I love to do it.

Z. Zoo – favorite animal: Emily the Elephant at Buttonwood Park Zoo. (is she still there?)

spring!

2011-04-10T08:42:00.005-04:00

Wow - has it been s pring here or what!!

Little Guy had the privilege of spending the night at a friends house again. This boy that is in his class, K - he has a younger brother who has ADHD and is suspected of having Aspergers. So I suppose, in so many ways, Little Guy's 'oddities' are pretty normal to K. I really feel so happy for Little Guy , that he can have the opportunity to be a normal 11 year old and have sleep-overs. That's what being a kid is all about.

Yesterday I spent the entire day doing yard work. Raked. Bagged. Pulled ivy and weeds. I hate ivy. Can't stand it. It's an endless battle. I get rid of it on my side of the fence, and in 3 months, it's grown back over, around and through from the other side. UGH! A month ago I wouldn't have been able to do half of what I got done yesterday. The pain would have prevented me. I've been taking Celebrex for - hmm - maybe 2 weeks now and WOW! what a difference. I have gone from not (seriously) being able to bend over and put my socks on in the morning because my hip and back were in so much pain - to spending the entire day outside doing some pretty heavy duty yard work. Of course, today I am pretty sore. Muscles got used that had not been used in quite some time. But it's OK. I can still function. I might even go back outside and get some more raking done. (yay!)

I've been thinking a lot about fucktard being involved in my kids lives. While I do believe it is important for a kid to have their father involved in their lives - I think that in some circumstances - Sometimes not. If that father (or mother) causes those children physical or emotional harm - it is best for the kids to be distanced. If that parent is causing confusion, stress, anxiety or other problems. Same thing. At this point is time, fucktard is not capable of being a good father figure to his children. If the time comes and he is able to sober up, straighten out, and get some help - that might change. I can't deny his visits with the kids - however, I truly believe that any visits would not be productive.

My children have Mr Man in their lives. He has done more for and supported these children more than they ever were before. For a man who has taken in these children as part of this "package" - he has been amazing. He didn't need to do half of what he has for my kids but he does. That's the way he is. His presence in our lives has been a positive one.

Here are my thoughts on fucktard.

from answers.com psychopath (sī'kə-păth') n. A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse.

and from oregoncounseling.org

glibness/superficial charm

grandiose sense of self worth

need for stimulation/prone to boredom

pathological lying

conning/manipulative

lack of remorse or guilt

shallow emotional response

callous/lack of empathy

parasitic lifestyle

poor behavioral controls

promiscuous sexual behavior

early behavioral problems

lack of realistic long term goals

impulsivity

irresponsibility

failure to accept responsibility for their own actions

many short term relationships

juvenile delinquency

revocation of conditional release

criminal versatility

This fits 100% - just sayin.

I was like you, once.

2011-04-10T08:40:00.001-04:00

I WAS LIKE YOU.......ONCE

if you see me at the supermarket,
and my child is screaming, rolling on the floor
with anger seeping from his pores.
please don't blame me,

I was like you once,

If you are in a restuarant and my child
throws food and it hits you in the face,
please, don't be angry,

I can't handle any more rage.

If you see my child climbing over a very tall fence
with nothing on except his hat.

Please don't call the police,

I only looked away for a minute.

If you see me crying, as you
pull up next to me at a stop light.
at a busy intersection.

Honk and smile, I need a friend.

If you see me, running down the street with curlers in my hair
chasing a small child who runs so fast, I can't catch him

Help me chase him down.

If my child grabs your child, or pushes him
or bites or kicks him, or
says words that make your hair curl.

Please forgive him, and me too.

If you happen to see us, walking
in your neighborhood, or in the malls,
or at the park Please don't turn away,

I was like you once.

copyright 1999
Sally Meyer

an open letter to fucktard

2011-04-05T11:48:00.006-04:00

Here's what I'm thinking about today. I've wanted to write something about this for quite some time but have been holding off. I'm tired of holding off and being quiet. I've done nothing wrong. This is about the sperm donor. The one and only fucktard.

First off what really disgusts me is that my Big Guy turned 13 years old a couple of weeks ago. (yay Big Guy!) This kid has not gotten

a phone call

an email

a card

a message on facebook

No happy birthday no nothing from his father. What the hell is that crap about. Way to go asshole! See, fucktard has decided to move about 1500 miles away from us (which is fine by me) and shack up with someone and her child. OK, that's all good and fine. He is entitled to that. But don't forget, asshole - you have three of your own children here that you have neglected to call/write/email/message. I find out a week ago that he is back in town and he has still not bothered to call his children to even say hello. I'm just done. So fucktard - The best thing you can do is stay out of our lives completely. Your children are doing fine. They are well cared for, well fed, advocated for, supervised, and they are loved. They are doing well in school. They are healthy and they are safe. You can not offer this to them. Not now, not ever. I know you will call when it is convenient for you - and that's just the way it is. Do what you need to do. But these kids don't need you bouncing and out of their lives. Every few months when you find some spare time. Just let them be. Let them live and stop confusing them. Go back to your new familyand stay there. My children are doing just fine without you in their lives.

world autism day

2011-04-02T15:00:00.003-04:00

Today is World Autism Day.

Please take a few moments & learn more about a condition

that effects so many wonderful kids out there!!!

High stress for parents who are raising autistic children

2011-03-30T11:07:00.005-04:00

While doing some research, I came across this article posted on CNN Health last July.

High stress for parents who are raising autistic children

This is so - just so there.

Several research studies have found that mothers of children with autism have higher levels of psychological and parenting-related distress than other moms of children with developmental delays. It can be overwhelming, said Marguerite Colston, vice president of the Autism Society, which has local chapters throughout the country. "Once you get a diagnosis, you can't be a parent, you have to be a case manger, an education specialist," she said. "You've got to figure out the medical system. It's overwhelming to think I have to advocate and navigate the system. The level of stress is terrifying."

My life is constant stress. Constant chaos It is SO overwhelming. Most children who have autism, like my own, also have an alphabet soup diagnosis. ADHD, PDD, OCD. And the list goes on. Throw all of these into the mix and the plot thickens I have never thought about harming myself or my children because of their issues. It's just the way it is. There certainly are some days that I wish it could all go away and we could be a "normal" family. Just once. But life doesn't work that way. When it all comes down to it - it's a journey. A learning process. It makes us stronger and smarter. Sometimes we don't realize it until it's too late. I struggle daily with bad feelings. "what did I do to cause this?" "Why me?" "what could I have done different?" There is no answer. I know that the truth is,. I didn't do anything to cause any of this. It's just the way it is. My son has a medical and mental disorder that affects both him and those around him.

Last night he had a horrible rage. It stemmed from him being told not to shoot his nerf gun in the house. Something he's been told dozens of times. For any other kid, this seems like a harmless thing to do, but it always leads to him shooting people and animals - so it is not a safe activity.This led to a meltdown which led to a rage. Which led to swearing. Yelling. Me being hit, kicked and punched. More swearing and yelling. Big Guy crying so hard I thought he would vomit. Little Miss trying to intervene and calm everyone down. More crying by everyone. Both boys telling me they want to die.

It was fun. We worked through it. Talked. Comforted. Consoled. Today, I make phone calls and talk to my team about what to do next. This - this is normal for my house. This is a common occurrence. Sometimes it happens several times a week. Other times it happens every few months. This is my life. Don't you ever tell me that you understand what I am going through. You don't. Unless you have a child suffers from similar issues as mine does, you have no understanding whatsoever. I've had therapists sit at my kitchen table and tell me they "understand." Bullshit. I told them to their face. Don't ever tell me you understand. Working 9-5 with kids is nothing like parenting them 24-7. Nothing.

This post has gone way, way off. But not completely. For anyone reading who does not have a challenging child - maybe it gives you some idea of our day to day struggles.

And, by all means - I do have good days as well. My Little Guy gives me great hugs. He's interesting. Creative. Curious. Loving. But his disease - It sucks.

And to end this on a really amazing note - My beautiful daughter, she gave me the biggest hug and I broke down in her arms. She told me that she thinks I am superwoman. I cried a little bit harder.

I love my children.

hobbies

2011-03-29T11:53:00.004-04:00

I need a hobby. A 'niche' of sorts. That's something I've been thinking about about for quite a long time.

Write a book?

Sew a quilt?

Bake a cake?

I honestly don't know what to do. It's been a really long time since I've dove into a project like that. Writing a book has always been something that sounds interesting. I haven't sewn for years and no longer have a sewing machine. Baking - I do it well. Cooking too. My desserts are not typically pretty to look at but always taste amazing.

I've been through a time where I scrap booked. Not interested now. I was into crochet and cross stitch. Meh. Not so much anymore.

I'd like to know what you do do for fun. What is your hobby. What should I do to gain back some of my own self?

2011-03-26T14:49:00.003-04:00

Little Guy's anxiety has been getting worse the past couple of months. Can't really put my finger on any particular reason. I think it's just the way anxiety is. He's now telling me that he wants to stop taking his Strattera because in his mind, it's making him worry too much. The chances of that being true are slim. But I know that because of his history with meds, it isn't impossible. I met with his DR and we talked about it. She suggested he try a new (crap!) med for the anxiety. Hydroxyzine. It's been around for a long time and is essentially an antihistamine. Not one of your typical Prozac-sort of drugs. Now I'm not saying Prozac is a bad drug but for Little Guy, anything resembling Prozac is not a good thing.
So, I get the med and talk to him about it. He flips out. Will not take it. Does not want to take his Strattera either. I'm not going to force it down his throat. There is no sense making him more anxious about his anxiety medicine. I've been there myself. I'll let him cool down for a while and bring the subject up again in a day or so. We're starting the dose of this med so low and we've got a lot of room to play. If there is something that he can take (or do) that will help him feel comfortable in his own skin - I want him to have it. I know what anxiety feels like. I know what it's like to want to crawl out of your body because it doesn't feel right. I don't want my little 11 year old son to feel that way.
Sadly, though, it is a fact of life. My mother suffered greatly from anxiety and I suffer from it as well. And it's been passed on to my son. Sometimes life is just not fair.
The only thing good about this is that I understand. I understand the uneasiness you feel and the fears. I totally get it.

On the bright side, he is at a friend's house today. Last time he visited he did such a great job that he was invited back. I'm thrilled. This boy is in his class and they have known each other for a few years. Sometime after dinner I'll call and check on how things are going. If he's doing well, then he'll be able to spend the night over there. Yay for Little Guy. He's doing so well!

spring!

2011-03-20T14:42:00.003-04:00

So I've really been lacking in the posting department. Oh well. There's really been no good reason for it. Just life.

For the most part, Little Guy remains stable. His meltdowns and rages are 'minor' and quick. Big Guy and Miss Girl seem to clash often and it's never pleasant. Between teenage boy hormones and teenage PMS - it isn't pretty.

Today - the first day of spring. While it is a little chilly here on Cape Cod, it's still a beautiful day. I took advantage of it by starting my spring cleaning. I pulled everything out of the fridge and washed it down. Inside, out, under and behind it. I've washed floors, windows, blinds and curtains.

And I'm done for the day. Tomorrow I'll finish up on the windows in Little Guy's bedroom and try to figure out what my next project will be.

Mr Man has suggested that I write a book. A story of my life or something along those lines. I love to write and would love a project to fall into, I'm not so sure that a life story would be my first choice. If you were to look for a new book to read - what kind would you look for?

2011-03-20T11:36:00.003-04:00

If you pray - would you take a minute to pray for Kristen and her family. Her son, Chase has been hospitalized on and off and just had a pretty bad episode. You can read her post here.

As a mom of a child with a severe mood disorder and other issues, my heart aches for this mom and her son. Be sure to leave her a comment of love and support. I know she needs it right now.

sleepovers and spring

2011-03-13T10:33:00.004-04:00

Yesterday late afternoon one of little Guy's friends knocks on our door. (ohgod) and asks Little Guy if he wants to go sleep over his house. (ohmygod) Immediately I say no. No way. No how. He can't handle it.
I think back of the last time he went for a sleep over. It was the same boy. A birthday party. Lots of kids. (i should have known) Little Guy was way too over stimulated and bit another kid there - I got a call to go pick him up. sigh...
I decided to let him go last night. Went out and talked to the mom. Talked to Mr Man. Called to check on Little Guy around 7:30pm to make sure he was in control and not having problems. All went well. (yay) The kids mom called me this morning and said Little Guy can stay later today because the kids were having a ball and doing really well.
Well OK. Sure.
It's so good to see him doing well and staying in control. I really do worry a lot. I know what he is capable of and it isn't pretty at times.
But, him being able to hold it together for a night really is good. Good for him and good for me.

On another note - It feels like spring today. Wow! It's sunny and warm. Just gorgeous out there! I'm even hanging wash out on the line today! When Mr Man gets home from work, we'll probably do some work in the yard. There is raking to be done and a general spring clean up.

The crappy thing is my body isn't letting me move as much as I was able to just a year ago. My hip is having a flare-up this weekend. Spasms and all. It sucks. Something is also going on with my lower back and knees. It's probably all related to the hip issues. I've been spending some time sitting on the heating pad to loosen my back muscles which feels heavenly. But I really need to do something. I'm in constant pain to some degree. It sucks. I am not at the point of begging for a new hip - but I would like some good drugs.
Because of my re-arranged guts, I am not able to take the typical nsaid meds they usually give so my choices are limited.
The one that I was taking, my insurance will not pay for. it sucks. I scored 2 months of samples from the doctor but the insurance company wants me to try a cheaper drug instead. Crap. I've got to check into a cortisone shot and see if that can be worked out. Not that I am thrilled about having needles stuck deep into my hip socket - but, if it helps... I'll suck it up.

What really sucks - at this point, I am a little over 100 pounds lighter than my heaviest ever weight. My body is falling apart. I feel like crap. I am stiff, in constant pain, it's just all messed up. Being thinner is supposed to make a person healthier. Not feel crappier. Not to say that I regret having weight loss surgery. It was a good thing. I just feel it's no fair that now that the weight is off - I start to fall apart. Boo. Getting old sucks.

made the list

2011-03-08T08:31:00.002-05:00

Somehow I made it onto the list of Psychology Degree Online's 50 Best Bipolar blogs. Granted I'm down at number 42 - still, I think that's pretty dang neat!

So, Thank you Psychology Degree Online!

on rages and such

2011-03-07T10:37:00.004-05:00

In my Google reader this morning I had the typical variety of blog postings. Recipes. Sick babies. Weight Loss Surgery complications and frustrations.
I came across a post by a lady struggling with both her own health issues and those of her daughters. Her daughter also suffers from pediatric bipolar disorder.
Celia wrote about a rage her daughter had over a fairly small situation. However, with a child who has Bipolar - there is no small about it. The child does not have any control over the situation and their own reaction. They just react.
This post really made me think - a lot about our own situation with rages and all.
In our own experience with Little Guy, it usually involves swearing, a lot of it. It is directed and everyone and everything in the room. It involves attempts to run. He will try to just leave the house. it isn't safe and I have to follow him everywhere so he doesn't leave. He will even try to open a window to leave.
It involves threats to hurt himself and others. It involves his acting out violently and aggressively. Kicking. Hitting. throwing things. Pushing. Biting.
This is not a temper tantrum that a "normal" child would typically have. This is a rage. It is out of control as is a wild animal has been unleashed. It can happen like the flip of a switch or it can build up.
Many times when he is finished with his rage the switch will flip again and he will be in a completely different place. Kind, asking for attention and help. Wanting to interact and play with me. Like nothing ever happened. I think in some ways, he doesn't even remember a lot of hat did happen. I think he remembers that he was mad about something but doesn't understand the totality of what he just did.
Unlike some parents in this situation, I do not yet have a PRN (as needed) med or sedative to give Little Guy when this happens. Because he is so sensitive to meds, it isn't safe. When he is given meds to help with the moods and such, he gets worse. It just isn't a good idea to give such a drug to a child who is already out of control. It could get 100 times worse really fast. So for now, we ride it out. Wait until he is done. Until I can calm him down or until he passes out from exhaustion.
Even if we had the option of a PRN - that is a last resort. It isn't something I would give my child because he's getting pissed off and swearing at me. This is something you give your child when they are in danger. In danger of hurting themselves or someone else. And even then - it is still a very difficult and emotional call. What parent wants to sedate their child? We don't - but we want our child to be safe.

Right now, Little Guy has been doing OK. He had a pretty big rage about 2 weeks ago. I called our mobile crisis team for help but that really didn't amount to much. They are an hour away - and I knew that he would most likely be done by the time they got here - but I just needed help.
We've gone from him raging many times a week to maybe once a month. It's easier in many ways but also more difficult. He is getting older, bigger, and stronger. I am getting older and weaker. I am not as strong as I was just a year ago. As he continues to grow, I will not be able to continue to keep him and my family safe.
What does this mean? I have no flipping clue. I want him to do well. I want him to be happy. I want him to be safe. What I need to do to achieve this - It's all something I am just figuring out as I go along.

2011-03-02T15:18:00.007-05:00

There really isn't a whole lot to say. Not at all.

Life remains completely crazy. Why should it be anything else?

All three of my kids are doing OK. No major incidents or crises' - Plenty of small ones but they are at least manageable.
The lice - well, last night was the first time in two months that I looked through my daughters hair and did not find one single nit. (YES!)

This past weekend, my kids were all away for a few days. I was anxious about it. Not sure why - just was. Whatever.

Mr Man and I decided to get away. We made plans to head to Boston for a night to have some adult time. He booked a show and we made dinner reservations.

It was great. Really and truly great. Relaxing. I needed this so much. You don't know how bad. The only thing that I was upset about (but got over quick) was that our hotel did not have a hot tub.

We had a fantastic dinner at Legal Seafoods. The food is always amazing. The service wonderful. We have never had anything but a good experience each time we've gone.

Mr Man booked tickets for us to see Rain - A tribute to the Beatles. What a cool show. The music was great. The theater was beautiful. I'd recommend the show to any Beatles fan. Fun Times.

The time away really helped. I was able to just sit, relax and be quiet. Something I haven't been able to do for a while.

louse-y

2011-02-16T14:56:00.003-05:00

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate lice? Those little motherfucking sonofabitches drive me absolutely ~~nits~~ nuts!
Little Miss has them - again ~~still~~
I've been fighting them since October in some form or another. One kid or the other.
Little Miss has long, thick hair. I've been picking nits out every day and I keep finding more. Found a live louse running around last night (freaked me out) so she got another lice shampoo treatment.
I can't get rid of these things. My plan of attack now is

Lice shampoo every two days.
Mayonnaise treatment in-between.
Tea tree oil spritz several times a day to (hopefully) help repel the lice.
Daily nit-picking sessions. Combing and picking out every single egg that I can find. This alone takes about 90 minutes to be done right.

I am washing everything in hot water and drying in high heat. Bedding gets washed daily. Towels - daily. School backpacks, clothes, lunchboxes - EVERYTHING!
I don't know what else to do. It's a total nightmare.
My back is hurting. My hip is killing. I want to cry.

taxi driver wanted

2011-02-06T12:52:00.003-05:00

My days feel like a whirlwind most of the time. My lunchtime, I am so worn out and usually have forgotten how I've filled my morning.
Little Guy's "autism is acting up". I like that way of saying it. Dr L described it that way. He is making noises constantly. Moving constantly. Talking nonstop. His anxiety is high and was even able to express that to me. "Mom, I'm worrying a lot." WOW! He is growing up and I am so proud of him for being able to express what he's feeling. It's a HUGE step for him. We see Dr L tomorrow and I'll let her in on how things are going. Someone asked me about trying a new med. NO. No. no. No.
I don't want to try any new meds, thank you very much. I would be open to raising the dose of the one he is on or going back to the only other med that did anything good for him. But, right now, nothing new.

I addicted to Words With Friends . Do you play? Leave your user name and I'll find you!

I've got some inner ear thing going on. My head has been swimming and dizzy for a week now. It sucks. I suffered with it for quite a few years before it finally went away - but it's back. I saw my DR last week and she saw fluid in my ear. Her "easy" solution - Flonase. So far, nothing. It was getting a little better for a while but it's now back with a vengeance. I am very limited to how far and how much I can drive with this going on. It is not fun. It's so intermittent that I can't plan ahead for anything. Have to arrange for someone to drive. And on top of it, I get major anxiety with it.
With two important doctor's appointments tomorrow -and not sure about the driving part, I'm not in a happy place right now.
Would somebody like to be my taxi driver?

Will pay in home cooked meals and baked goods....

no fuss - no worry

2011-01-22T09:39:00.003-05:00

Here I go, cutting my hair again.

Ha!

I went in on Tuesday morning to get a "trim". I forgot how it is to go for a trim when your hair is short(er). As you know, I had my hair cut off in December. It was fabulously fabulous. My hair apparently grows really fast because It was getting pretty shaggy and frizzy and not behaving.

My stylist - well he cut a wee bit more off than I would have liked. This is major for me. I haven't had short hair in oh, 20 years.

But, you know what - I'm liking it. It's so easy to get ready in the morning. Slather my head in gel, stick on a headband and go.

I totally do not have the time, energy or desire to deal with hair-styling. Especially now that I have to get up an hour earlier to get Little Miss off to school. Because we live so close to the high school, there is no option of a bus. And because it has been snowing, raining and frigid every single day, I'm being very nice and being the taxi.

So anyway, my point it, having short hair isn't so bad. I might just grow it out again - but for now, I can deal with no fuss - no worry.

advocating and protecting

2011-01-18T14:32:00.004-05:00

Big Guy is a laid-back, easy going, awkward (almost) teenager. He has depression and anxiety and probably some PTSD. He minds his own business, wants to be accepted and liked by others.
Big Guy is teased and harassed at school by others who try to make themselves look important. The same thing happened to me every day from kindergarten until the day I graduated.

It sucks.

It can be hell.

However,
Last week on the way home from an after school activity, my Big Guy was assaulted on the bus.
This was before a 4 day weekend so there was not much I could do until today. IF there were wounds or the like - I would have driven him to the police station immediately.
This morning I drove him to school early. Told a teacher in the office what had happened and that I wanted to talk to someone now.
The assistant principal, was told, he brought us into his office and listened. He asked questions. And he apologized to my son.
My son was asked to write out a statement of what happened. Who did it and the name of the child who witnessed it. I left school so Big Guy could get busy learning and I could get busy with my stuff.
After a few hours, I got a phone call from assistant principal to let me know that the school determined that he was assaulted and that the student who did it would be punished. (Because of privacy reasons, the exact punishment cannot be discussed with me but I am good at finding things out)
Assistant Principal told me that if it was at the high school ( Big Guy is in middle school) and this happened, they would automatically file assault charges with the police. He also asked if this is what I wanted them to do.
I said no. But I asked them to let this student know that if he does it again, or retaliates in any way, i will go to the police. I will not have anyone assaulting my child for any reason.
It's bad enough that he is under constant stress from Little Guy and his issues. My older son should be able to feel safe at school and at school activities.
I applaud our school district and the new bullying laws that have come about after a terrible tragedy. Just one year ago, Phoebe Prince took her life after undergoing horrible bullying by her classmates. No child (or adult) should have to undergo such emotional and physical abuse.
I love my children. I will give my life to protect them. Will fight to no end to keep them safe.

wow

2011-01-16T09:40:00.003-05:00

just wow.....

From Postsecret.com

this is not mine - or not made by anyone that I am aware of - but it really really made me gasp. How many of you that have a child with mental illness - how many of you does it make you stop and think about your beautiful, precious children. Does it make you think about how much you love them - mental (or physical) illness and all.

As tough as things get, I love all of my children. This is where I want to be. Here, helping them. Guiding them. Advocating for them. Loving them.

crazy flakes

2011-01-14T08:49:00.006-05:00

I sure could use mine!

For the past few days ~~week~~ I've been trying to figure out how to post.
I miss you guys.
I've been busy bee. It seems like I am going from the time I wake up until I fall into my bed at night. And not much time for a break in-between.
Little Guy has gotten a PDD diagnosis. I knew it was coming. I guess it was just a matter of me giving the OK. It is not his first axis, that is still a mood disorder. But the DR is willing to adjust things as needed so that he can get whatever services he needs. We'll fine tune that as we go along. I can see the needs growing. He was given consequences this week at school for attacking another student. And before Christmas, he kicked a bit (breaking skin) a teacher. These behaviors are new for him at school. To tell the truth, it scares me. A lot. I know it's going to get worse.
Mr Man and I have talked a lot about this stuff. He's starting to notice certain behaviors more. Or rather, looking out for certain behaviors. Hand flapping, screeching and such. It happens. It's such a common occurrence that I can just say "oh that's just Little Guy" but in reality it isn't 'normal' and is related to his disability.
That said - there's my daughter. My beautiful Little Miss will be turning 15 in a month. (I'm feeling really old) She is coming to live with me again. Right now she is transitioning. Spending a few nights a week with me and the rest of the time with a friend and her Mom.

The fucktard in this picture - gone. He's decided to move 1500 miles away for whatever reasons. Coming back for a court date (fun) in a few weeks and after that? I don't know.

He left Little Miss with a woman. Has not followed up or checked in on things at all.
Wow - there's a lot. Where do I start?
Basically, I've heard, seen and learned a LOT over the past week or so. I'm pretty disgusted. I'm more so pissed off.
The filth that my daughter was living in. The filth that my boys were spending time in. The unsafe, unsanitary, unhealthy conditions...
The downright neglect that was happening. Yes, my daughter is almost 15. She can stay home alone - but not for the amount of time that she was. She had no supervision. No guidance. No nothing. She was told some pretty bad lies about me and with all of this, I'm not happy. It would take me pages to write everything. The photo I posted a couple of days ago - that was just a very small sample of the filth. More pictures have been shared with me.
At this point, she is safe. She is cared for. She is moving back into my home. A loving, stable and safe environment. She deserves it.
I'm getting Little Miss set up with Dr L. I believe that she has Asperger's Syndrome. It's something that I have mentioned a few times in the past in conversations with others, but now I really am sure. She may be given a PDD diagnosis or something else along the spectrum. However - all the signs are there.

I've got a lot to learn - so if you are reading and have information/resources/books/websites, please leave a comment and share.
While we're on the topic of the Spectrum - I'll eventually be checking into this for Big Guy as well. He shows many of the signs. There is apparently a genetic link in there. It's worth researching.
It explains a lot.
It's scary as hell.
So, I'm doing the doctor appointment/school meeting/phone call/paperwork/talk to everyone thing. No wonder I am exhausted.
I am so thankful for Mr Man. His love and support help me get through the day. At the end of the day, I get the kids to bed. I am thankful that my children are healthy. Oh yea, they do have a lot of issues. It's very tough. But they are healthy. And most of all they are loved.

just to be clear

2011-01-12T10:24:00.002-05:00

that photo is NOT my house ... but it is a house that my children spend time at.
nuff said. (for now)

would you.....?

2011-01-11T18:47:00.002-05:00

Would you let your child - your own flesh and blood -

take a bath or shower in this?

and yes ---- that is cat shit by the drain.

I am not happy.

2011

2011-01-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

11 years old

2010-12-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

Happy 11th birthday Little Guy. You're growing so fast!

rages and fucktards

2010-12-27T16:45:00.004-05:00

I should learn not to toot my own horn. Seriously. Little Guy had a "small" rage on Christmas day over some coke. Really now. Coke. But that's the way it is. When his mind is on something - there is no colors. It's all black and white.
I am seriously hoping that his anxiety and restlessness is doe to Christmas and school vacation. I am not ready to go through another cycle again. I'm not.
And, Big Guy is also in one of his depressive moods.
I just can't fucking win.

Tell me this - How fucktardian is it when one parent tells a child things about finances, work, money, court and such? When one parent plays up the "woe is me" card to a child? Kids do not belong involved in adult matters. Pre-teens (and younger) do not and can not understand such things and should not be involved in such discussions.

Goddammit it pisses me off to no end!

2010-12-24T08:28:00.003-05:00

Little Guy is so excited about Christmas. Can't say I blame him. Last night he was bouncing all over the house like Tigger. Hyperventilating. Bouncing. Jumping. Oh, and did I say Bouncing?

Thank goodness for his evening dose of melatonin. He would have never gotten to bed without it.

This morning I'm making some cookies. Then I have sandwiches to put together. A lobster to boil for the seafood salad. Pick up my daughter as she is spending the night here with me.

We have some family visiting to do but really, it will be a quiet afternoon and evening. Nice.

Merry Christmas friends.

christmas eve - eve

2010-12-23T10:59:00.004-05:00

Well it's been a little while since I've posted any sort of update or news. Here's the latest.

Little Guy is still holding his own. He is doing so well. It really has been a tough year. He deserves to be in this stable place. I won't complain at all - but he deserves it.

Last week we met his new psychiatrist. I think she will work out nicely. She is very thorough. It took two visits and a total of three hours to do his history before we even talked about what's going on currently. I've heard wonderful things about her and now I know why.

Big Guy met his new psychiatrist. (both boys were seeing the same one who has just moved into private practice and no longer takes our insurance) She is also a great doctor and knows her stuff. She isn't doing anything right now med-wise. But we'll meet again soon to see how he is doing and if anything needs to be done.

Mur Man and I are doing really well. We have had some pretty big struggles going on and things seem to be working really well for us right now. I feel closer to him than I have in quite some time.

Shit, it almost sounds like I'm saying that my life is perfect. HA! Far from it. I still have plenty of crap going on. While not as often or as severe, I still have anxiety and depression to deal with. I still have some pretty nasty hip pain that will only get worse.

But what I am saying - this year - at this point - is ending well. It's been a tough year. Really tough. For my whole house. And to have Christmastime here, things going well and all. It feels really good.

We woke up the other morning to a winter wonderland. The weathermen were calling for snow changing over to rain. Classic for Cape Cod. Well - we wound up with about a foot of snow.

It was absolutely beautiful.

win this!

2010-12-22T13:45:00.000-05:00

win a printer over at pioneer woman!

TAC Campaign - 20 year Anniversary retrospective montage "Everybody Hurt...

2010-12-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

Before you get in the car after having a drink - remember this video.

18 years

2010-12-11T12:25:00.003-05:00

It's the weekend. What are you doing for fun?

All's pretty quiet here. Little Guy is playing some shoot-em-up game on the X-Box with his friend. Big Guy is doing his thing. And I am still man-less.

(sob)

Mr Man is planning to leave tomorrow morning. Which means he will most likely get home Monday night or Tuesday morning.

(yay)

I miss him so damn much. I do.not.like being alone. I won't even get into how many word search puzzle books I've done and how many crops I've planted.

Eighteen years ago today I lost my big sister, my best friend.

2010-12-08T17:47:00.002-05:00

I miss Mr. Man.
The dog and rwo cats are not big enough to keep me warm.
And I HATE being alone
Come home soon.

.

Wow~

2010-12-07T08:52:00.000-05:00

This sure is something else. I actually got chills when I was watching it.

What a wonderful way to take a minute out of a busy day and bring a crowd of strangers together. Young and old.

getting a new do

2010-12-06T13:58:00.003-05:00

I was at CVS this past weekend and saw a woman there with hair that I wanted. It was beautiful. I guess it was just the thing to make my mind up that it's time for a change. I thought about it a lot. Hard. I've had long hair for probably 20 years. Maybe more. At one time it was to my butt.
I went this morning. Spent 2 hours in the chair having an awesome guy "do" me and I am so happy. Totally thrilled with the results. Poor kid. I had him cut it twice. After the first time, I decided I wanted to go even shorter and he had to go through it again. Then a foil for some color.

This is back in August when I had my hair layered.

Here's the new "do"

I absolutely love it.

some alone time

2010-12-05T12:57:00.003-05:00

Mr. Man left this morning for his trip. He's heading south for some meetings with his company and to visit an old friend.
I'm sad.
We've never been away from each other for this long (almost 2 weeks) and I'm really sad. The little dog does not keep me warm enough at night and is not big enough to snuggle with. Boo.

I do have plenty to keep busy, if I so choose. Cleaning. Decorating. I really need to get rid of crap that we've been collecting over the past few years. You know that stuff you have sitting in boxes for "someday" but someday never comes? Yeah, that stuff. I got rid of two trash bags of it this morning. (yay) I guess we'll see how the next few days go. Appointments are few so there is time to "work." during the day.
It's just gonna be too strange. I don't like being alone.

fishes and hot dogs

2010-12-02T15:14:00.004-05:00

Took two days off from the blog but I felt compelled to come back and say hello! HI!

Mr Man and I took helped my father do his Christmas shopping today. It's exhausting but I don't mind it. I know he appreciates it and enjoys the time with me. So do I! He's getting older (aren't we all) and his hands are starting to shake. It's strange to see him getting older and more frail. I've always seen him as "dad." Strong, Smart, can do anything. Funny how the roles in life are reversed. He still does really well and is active. But still.

Mr. Man is heading south next week for a business trip. (boo) I'm not thrilled to have him away but there's plenty to do to stay busy. I am very thankful for laptops and cell phones!

And Food Network - please, stop showing such great stuff at night. When I can't fall asleep (which, lately is every night) I usually end up on the Food Network or Cooking Channel. Last night Bobby Flay was doing a throwdown on the feast of the seven fishes. The seafood salad - I need to make it. Now.

The night before there was a show on hot dogs. I started to crave them. Badly. We picked up some at the store yesterday and that's what's for dinner tonight. Good ones. Not the crappy four-million grams of fat made with snouts hot dogs. I am not a big fan of hot dogs at all. No way. But every couple of year (yes, years) I get a craving. I'll eat one and be happy for another few years.

30 in 30

2010-11-30T08:45:00.003-05:00

What happened to my sidebar? When I go into my dashboard, it's still there, but when I look at my blog - it's not. WTF?

And for those of you who use a slide show to put your awards in, can you share the link to what widget you're using?

Oh hey -

This is the fourth year in a row that I've completed NaBloPoMo. So are you gonna make me a cookie? A cake? Give me a prize?

Nah - All I got was this badge, and that's cool.

christmas shopping

2010-11-29T14:36:00.003-05:00

I am so done with shopping. Ugh! Just 45 minutes or so in the mall and I'm done. Sweating, Tired. My feet, back and hip hurt and I wanna go home. My body (and mind) are just not into it like I used to be. Gone are the days when I walked around the mall all night long on a Friday night. No way. I like to park at the closest entrance to the store I need to go in to. Go in said store. Leave. Simple as that.
The positive thing that I can say - I am 80% finished with my Christmas shopping.
Woot!

My Kids

2010-11-28T13:33:00.003-05:00

Are awesome.
Here's some pics from thanksgiving.

Little Guy and his friend -
give 2 boys a rope and you never know what they might hang from it!

Big Guy. He's always had the most beautiful eyes.
And what's up with that mustache?

My teenager -
Holy cow! She's growing up fast!

Hello

2010-11-27T16:20:00.001-05:00

I don't have anything to say.

I'm waiting for my turkey pot pie to cook and just feeling in a funk.

So, I'll share some Hello Kitty with you.

black friday

2010-11-26T10:51:00.004-05:00

Wow - I'm wiped! But in a good way. Thanksgiving worked out really well. The meal was fantastic. The pie - to DIE (die) for. I need to convert the recipe to using splenda so I can eat more than a half a bite!

The kids had fun hanging out with their friends. The boys, well they acted like boys and played outside. Swinging from ropes and hanging whatever they could find from said rope. Little Guy did great! He started off the day pretty anxious about everything going on but got settled and did super.

It as nice to be able to cit, relax, and enjoy the company of some great friends for the day. I am thankful for that chance. It's been a long time. And I really needed it.

Today, I have my stockpot full of turkey bones and yummy bits to make a heavenly soup. How about you? Are you making turkey soup? It smells so yummy in here!

Are you - or should I saw, did you do any black Friday shopping? No thank you here. I think of black Friday as a good day to stay home and do nothing. Rest up after a busy week. It isn't worth it to me to stand in line and fight crowds to save $20. Sorry. Nope. I'm staying in my pajamas and cooking turkey soup!

Gobble Gobble

2010-11-25T08:50:00.001-05:00

To all my friends and loved ones, have a wonderful day.

I am thankful for your love and friendship.

busy day cooking

2010-11-24T18:34:00.004-05:00

It's now 6:47 PM. I am finally done cooking for the day. I've cooked and cleaned all day. Started at 8:30am and I just finished. I did go out to the store twice. Once to get cream cheese and once to get milk. But - holy moly I'm done.
All of my prep work is done. All I need to do tomorrow, except for the bird, is shove stuff in the oven/microwave/toaster oven. I'd rather spend the few days before the feast in the kitchen then be in the kitchen the whole day of the feast. It's more important to spend that time with friends and family.

The PIE. yes, it's THE pie!

Onions for the stuffed mushrooms.

Bacon. Beacuse . well . It's bacon!

Mushrooms! aren't they cute?

2010-11-23T14:59:00.002-05:00

I'm baking. Pumpkin spice cake. French bread. (for stuffing) And making mashed potatoes. Dip.

Add to that - errands, DR appointments and more.

I'm tired.

I want to make these. (drool)

thinking

2010-11-22T12:33:00.004-05:00

NaBloPoMo is coming to an end. Maybe that's a good thing. Because I don't have much to say. Really, how much do you want to hear me whine and cry about how miserable my mind is right now. How dark of a place I'm in.
Today - I'm a little bit brighter. Not much - but a little. My load of dread and low wasn't quite as heavy this morning. I've kept busy and still have plenty to do.
With Thanksgiving just a couple of days away, I have work to do. Cleaning. Not a lot. Cooking. A lot. And planning.
I'm hosting dinner here on Thursday for some friends. I'm hoping some family will join but I'm not sure. Still having friends is nice. We haven't seen each other in a few years and I'm excited they are coming.
Are you hosting Thanksgiving? If so, what are you making?
On our menu - so far
Turkey (duh)
mashed taters
sweet taters
homemade rolls
homemade cranberry sauce (none of that mystery jelly stuff here folks!)
stuffing & gravy (homemade of course)
a new & improved version on green bean casserole. ( I can't wait to try this out, it has bacon)
Nantucket cranberry pie (oh yum)
Cookies & cupcakes for the kiddos
One other pie but I don't know what kind yet - any thoughts? I'm wanting to make this

Yeah - it's a lot of work. But you know what I love to cook. I love to cook for others. I guess it'a part of my caretaker personality. It make me feel good to do it and what I really need right now is to feel good. Of course, enjoying the yummy bounty is nice too!

What I am hoping to get done today is make a HUGE loaf of french bread to use for the stuffing and get the cranberry sauce made. The longer it sits - the tastier the flavors. I might just do some veggie chopping to get a little of the prep-work done. Hmmm.

dread

2010-11-21T12:14:00.003-05:00

I dread it. I dread the day. I don't want to get out of bed and face it. I'm in a horrible, terrible place.
After being out for most of the day yesterday - I didn't want to go home. It's too depressing. It feels like a prison. There is nothing to do there. Just think. Watch the goddamn TV and cry and think.
All day long, I count the seconds until I can go back to bed again.

glitter-graphics.com

truths

2010-11-20T09:34:00.001-05:00

Saw this posted on Cat's blog -
so I stole it.

Undeniable Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5; I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the
rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't
want to have to restart my collection...again..

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I
did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with a drink, than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What"? before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front; Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

23.Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey;
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

today ...

2010-11-19T08:19:00.002-05:00

I am going to try something new. A new approach. A new effort. A new beginning.
I have no choice.

This afternoon...

2010-11-18T15:09:00.001-05:00

I have a headache.

payback

2010-11-17T09:35:00.002-05:00

Anyone got any ideas on how I can get back at a neighbor for really pissing us off? It has to be LEGAL - (no getting arrested here, ok?)

So apparently I've got arthritis in my hip and some bone spurs. nice. Going to see the orthopedic DR but I doubt anything will come of it. Still waiting for my blood work to get back.

dark mornings

2010-11-16T08:11:00.007-05:00

It's one of those mornings. You know those. It's dark and cloudy out. You don't want to crawl out from under the covers - It takes too much effort to open your eyes. You know what I'm talking about.

I certainly do no want to get dressed. I'm very comfy in my pajamas thank you.

My boys seemed to feel the same way I did. They did not want to get out of bed. Can't say I blame them really. But come on people! The bus is coming. Your pop tarts are waiting. Get up. Get dressed.

Yeah - right.

Just a question - does anyone have a suggestion for books with pasta recipes in them? I know - I know, there are tons of them on the Internet - but I'd like some books. Something my library would have. I want to get my new pasta machine cranking out some pasta.

Spinach pasta. Olive pasta. Bacon pasta. Is there such a thing? There should be!

labs and x-rays

2010-11-15T12:35:00.002-05:00

This morning I had some blood work done.

My doctor is checking a bunch of crap. I'm mostly interested in my vitamin levels.

And then I went across the hall for my hip x-ray.

I've been putting off that x-ray for over a year but finally got it done. My right hip has been bothering me for a very long time. I did have it checked about 4 or 5 years ago so they should be able to compare them to see what - if any - changes there are. Imagine needing a new hip before I'm 40!! No telling what's going on. Arthritis. Bone loss. I've got no clue.

Now, let's see how long it takes for everything to come back.

pasta machine

2010-11-14T11:18:00.001-05:00

I scored a cool deal at our local swap shop this morning.
a pasta maker
Everything is there, it's in great condition. I just need to find the manual/recipe book somewhere online.
yay!

2010-11-13T10:05:00.003-05:00

It's the weekend. How are you spoending it? Mr Man has to work a split shift today but we'll take the boys along on some errands this morning for something to do. (Lord help me) I've got my all important farming to take care of (ha!) and my never ending loads of laundry.
I wish my boys had friends that would call them to hang out.

the sun

2010-11-12T12:27:00.000-05:00

it's nice to see the sun again after a week of rain and clouds.

2010-11-11T09:35:00.002-05:00

sleep

2010-11-10T13:22:00.003-05:00

I'm on the hunt for something to help me fall asleep at night. I've tried valerian root which doesn't help. Alcohol is not an option. Picked up some unisom today to give a try. Most nights I lay there and lay there and lay there. Can't fall asleep. Sometimes my mind is running - sometimes not. But I need to do something.

46

2010-11-09T13:49:00.002-05:00

This is what I got yesterday morning about an hour after eating some shredded wheat with strawberries, splenda & milk. Isn't it nice? I started feeling bad while driving home from the grocery store. By the time I pulled in the driveway I was dizzy & sweaty. Came in the house and checked my sugar - *ding*ding*ding*

How nice. Drank some juice. Ate a crap load of crap because for some reason, when my blood sugar tanks - I want to eat.

Forty-six is not my friend.

~ Staffetta dell'amicizia ~

2010-11-08T08:11:00.004-05:00

~ Staffetta dell'amicizia ~

This thoughtful award was given to me by Jesse. While we do not know each other in real life, I can tell that he is a very beautiful and giving person. Thank you Jesse.

So in respecting the passing of the friendship baton, we shall observe the following rules:
a) Create a blog post, and please use the IMAGE of the relay friendship race...
b) In your post, answer the Eight questions...
c) Pass the baton of friendship to Ten bloggers, and link them in your post...

1 - too small when you were asked, what you wanted to do when you were big; What did you reply?
2 - What were your favorite cartoons?
3 - What were your favorite games?
4 - What year was your nicest birthday and why?
5 - What were the things you absolutely wanted to do, and not yet done?
6 - Which 'was your first love? sports? or what not?
7 - Which was your first musical idol?
8 - Which was the most' beautiful sought (and eventually received), Santa Claus, Jesus' Child, Saint Lucia, Christmas gift?

And my answers are:

1 - I wanted to be a mom. Short and simple. I wanted to get married and have babies.
2 - The Flintstones and The Jetsons.
3 - Barbies. I played with them for hours on end.
4 - One that has always stood out was my 13th. I had a sleepover with 6 or 8 girls in a tent in our backyard. We snuck out at night to moon cars. Spent time swimming at the pond. It was just a good time.
5 - I'd love to travel more.
6 - My first love was boys. Must go along with that marriage & babies want.
7 - The Monkees
8 - A beautiful diamond ring that was hung on our tree. And the man who put that ring on my finger, asking me to marry him.

I pass this award on to:

Chasing Wishes
chronic indolance
diet coke rocks
Licoriceroot
Mennonite Girls Can Cook
Mommy Mania
My Little Life
Queen - Sized Funny Bone
Wonders in the Night
WTIT the blog

it's sunday

2010-11-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

It's cold, rainy and windy.

what are YOU doing today?

2010-11-06T10:11:00.005-04:00

Me? I don't know yet. My man needs to go shoe shopping so of course I'll do some Hello Kitty shopping while we're there. HA!

I've got to call my Internet provider (again) today to get my DSL working. It's been down since yesterday afternoon. I'm able to connect on someone else's wi-fi (waving to the neighbors) so I'm able to stay sane and keep up with harvesting my crops on farmville. That's important you know.

We moved our DVR box into the bedroom so we can catch up on this season's Medium and House episodes. I'm so far behind. Maybe we'll spend a good part of the day in bed watching TV. Certainly OK with me.

I'm home alone and it's quiet. Almost too quiet. This whole week has been quiet and I've been alone most of the time. After running on full speed hyper-drive for so long, when it gets like this - it can be a tough thing for me to adjust to. Or so I'm discovering.

the weekend

2010-11-05T09:46:00.002-04:00

What are you doing this weekend?
We're expecting rain tomorrow (Saturday) so I won't be doing anything outside. Most likely will be catching up on laundry and whatever else needs to be done. My boys are supposed to be away for the weekend - but my man will have to work. Sucky. We'll at least get the chance to go out for dinner one night. That's always a plus.

Little Guy is never thrilled about spending time with fucktard. It's uncomfortable and boring for him there. I understand his hesitation 110% but still - encourage him to go for 2 reasons :

to give me a break (but really when I know he's going to call me and ask to come home, is that really a break? not at all. I am still on call.)
To let him spend some time with his sperm donor before said donor moves away. (whatever)

Either way, I hope the weekend goes well for all involved. I will not be doing anything exciting. Probably just continuing my pity-party and feeding my farmville addiction. (have you added me as a neighbor yet?)

WHIP YO HAIR

2010-11-04T09:58:00.002-04:00

Yeah I saw this on Beth's Blog -

I Must. have. this. bird. as well.....

are you raking yet?

2010-11-03T13:20:00.002-04:00

I haven't started. I'm always way late in doing it. Usually not until Christmastime. Here on the Cape, the leaves stay on pretty late into the year. Little Guy raked up a nice big pile to jump in over this past weekend but I won't touch it until later this month. I hate raking.

vote

2010-11-02T11:00:00.002-04:00

So Little Guy is away this week on a class trip. It's a trip that all 5th graders take. An awesome trip. He is used to being away so I am hopeful that he does well. It isn't far, only a 45 minute drive if something does go wrong..

Big Guy has been acting pretty depressed. I'm thinking a combination off mood swings (gotta love puberty) and a chemical imbalance. He's got the genes in his for anxiety and depression and a shitload of other stuff. I've found a therapist for him - I just need to meet the guy. I think that right now, he needs to have someone to talk to . Someone who will push him to open up and talk about his feelings. Big Guy is one to hold them in and then every so often - let them explode. While right now, I am not concerned about him wanting to hurt himself - I see the potential being there if he doesn't get help working out his feelings and thoughts.

So here's hoping that the new therapist isn't a fucktard - because I will fire him on the spot if he is. I don't have the time or patience for incompetent therapists. They do more harm than good. And yes, unfortunately I am speaking from experience.

oh - and by the way.... get out there today and

nablopomo 2010

2010-11-01T19:20:00.001-04:00

NaBlopoMo. I'm thinking epic fail - but you never can tell. I'll attempt it.
Here is my first post. Day one.

fall & fucktards

2010-10-20T09:17:00.000-04:00

I have to say that Fall has arrived in full - force. It got into the 30's here overnight. Brrr! We don't have your heat turned on - yet. The burner needs to be cleaned out and the pilot lit. I also need to vacuum out the radiators. I'm really, really bummed that we are not using the wood stove. I love - love - love wood heat. There's nothing like it. However, this year we can't afford it. The chimney pipe needs repairs and theres the cost of wood. Between the two, it can't be done. So, we'll use gas and keep it turned down very low so save as much money as we can. We're hoping he gets a nice work bonus around the first of the year and we may use that to take care of the repairs and maybe a cord of wood to burn on weekends or during storms. We'll see.

Without being able to go into too many details about the situation - fucktard fucked up. It will involve time, court dates and legalities. The law is on my side on this one and I'm in the process of getting things in order. It's going to be a pain in my ass but in the end - Well, I'm not worried about it.
He's also making a choice to move 1500 miles away and "get married" Perhaps thinking that it will releive him of any obligations he has, both legally, paternal, or financial.
Not.
I'll hunt him down. Be the squeaky wheel. Become a nightmare.
I feel really sorry for the girl he's chosen to manipulate and scam this time around. If I had a way to warn her about what shes getting into - I would.
I know what he says, does, and is capable of doing -(hi L!)- and just to say, if you are reading this because he passed the link to my blog to you - and are currently seeing or have seen him in the past - please email me - please.

And fucktard - if you are reading this - get some balls and go fuck yourself.

Ok, onward -
Are you sogning up for NaBloPoMo? I'm going to do it again this year. It's a fun challenge and I'm looking forward to it.

Have a super day - I know I will!

...

2010-10-13T14:39:00.001-04:00

Miracles do happen

2010-10-13T08:54:00.006-04:00

It truly is a miracle.

Did you watch the first Miner being pulled from that little pipe in the earth? Did you see his wife and son standing by waiting? Did you see his little son sobbing for his Daddy?

What a miracle. I was in tears watching it. And as I see the other men, one - by - one, being pulled up out of that hole, tears well up in my eyes.

It is a good day.

car update

2010-10-11T16:00:00.002-04:00

isn't the color pretty? ooooohhh! and I think I've got a name picked out. Big Guy was the one that came up with it.

I spoke too soon

2010-10-11T15:30:00.003-04:00

I spoke WAYYY too soon.

Lice round three and four. Little Guy has it. I sat and nit-picked him for what seems like forever. And did the same with Big Guy.
I'm washing EVRYTHING - again.
And lets not even talk about how much my foot hurts and how much my toe is swollen. And how the pretty bright purple colors are spreading to my other toes.

I hate this shit.

heart aches

2010-10-10T20:43:00.010-04:00

Poor Little Guy. He was invited to a birthday sleepover. I dropped him off at 3 with my phone number to call if there was any problems. I got a phone call at 8. He had bitten 2 other kids there. He never does that except to Big Guy. Apparently he can not handle birthday parties more than an hour or 2 long. Five hours and a dozen kids is too much. I should have known better. I really and truly should have known but I had just hoped. Just wanted.....

He's still in tears and my heart aches for him.

It's been quite the week.

First off on Wednesday Big Guy tells me his head itches. So I dig around and look in his thick shag and find:

Yeah, my kid had goddamn head lice. Now I have to say, My daughter is almost 15 and this is the first time that ANY of my three kids have caught lice - I've been lucky. (so far)

But damn! I got the treatment for him and we sat in the kitchen until 10pm taking care of it. Washing, combing - I even buzzed off all of his hair. Yup, shaved his shag off. No was was I gonna stand there for 6 hours and pick nits out of that shag. He was fine with it too. Not thrilled but was ok.

The next morning I took him to school and let the nurse know. She checked him and he was CLEAR. (yay) So friday night - I look at his head to see if anything is going on and what do I find:

Nits.

Little white nit fuckers.

So here we go again. Another treatment. More picking. He's still clear - but - tomorrow he gets an olive oil treatment and will get said treatment every 2-3 days for at least a week to prevent the return of those little fuckers.

Knock on wood - nobody else in the house has it (yet) and I'll do all I can to keep it that way. I've washed EVRYTHING in the house is hot water. Left it in the dryer so anything that might havee survived the wash would die from the heat.

I bought this new shampoo for repeling lice. Lice Shield. Don't know if it really works or not but I'll use it and hope for the best. Little Guy has been using it too.

And the next fun thing that happened to me:

Yesterday I'm making dinner and whatnot and as I'm walking in the kitchen, I whack my foot on the leg of the table. And this happens...

Yeah - that's my huge ugly size 11 wide foot - but forget the size of it. Can you see the swollen purple toe beside my baby toe? Isn't it pretty? I broke my fucking toe!

Of course with a broken toe, there is not a hell of a lot that can be done. Ice, Elevation, rest. Like that can happen. I'm the Mom.

FML

Name that car

2010-10-03T17:39:00.003-04:00

This beauty is gonna be my new car. I think I may have posted a picture of it before. It's a 1974 Chevy Malibu.

And this is gonna be the color.

It's called "daytona yellow"

Here's what I wanna know... My car needs a name. Any ideas? I don't think I've ever really named a car before and I've decided that this baby needs one. So, I'll take suggestions and once I've decided - and it's been painted, I'll post the results of both the name and new look.

Can't wait to start driving this thing. (yes Stacey - I'll let you ride in it!)

summing things up

2010-09-28T09:02:00.002-04:00

I'm probably not posting much because I'm feeling crappy. Does that make sense?

I want to share a post by my inter web Friend Christine. This about sums things up for me.

1. I never feel like I have anything to look forward to. Every day
is just like the one before it, nothing is new or different or exciting. I see
the same people. I do the same things. I feel the same way.

2. I feel
trapped by money. I have to work or my family will go under. It's not that I
don't want to work, it's just that going to the same place every day, doing the
same things, being with the same people...it wears me down. It's unpleasant and
tiresome and it makes me sad. And even for all that, we're still always broke.

3. I feel empty inside. I don't know if it's years of taking
anti-depressants, but I generally feel very little emotions other than negative
ones, and even those are so normal for me now that I just feel like I'm in a
constant state of blah. I think that's why drinking appealed to me so much...it
brought my emotions up a level or two (for a while, in the end it just added to
the misery).

4. I don't know what I want.

5. I can't maintain a
good attitude or an attitude of gratitude or any kind of spiritual life. In
fact, I can't maintain much of anything. Can't stick to a diet, can't stick to
an exercise plan, can't stick to a schedule....I just float along, flitting
about from one thing to the next, with no real focus.

6. I have no life
outside of family and work. Other than going to meetings and to therapy...I do
nothing, go nowhere, talk to no one.

7. Everything in my life feels like
a HAVE TO. I have to be a good mother, I have to be a good wife, I have to be a
good worker, I have to stay sober, I have to try not to gain weight, I have to
call my mother, I have to pay the bills, I have to buy the groceries, I have to
have sex, I have to take care of the house, I have to go here and go there, I
have to make sure the family is fed and clothed and has money when they need it,
I have to have to have to have to have to

That about sums up my world right now. I have nothing to look forward to. I am empty. I don't know what I want. I can't maintain. I have no life. I HAVE TO do everything. It's a shitty reality. Really and truly shitty. I lay in bed last night, unable to fall asleep - again - just thinking. (and crying) about how miserable and hopeless I feel right now. I've got a lot on my plate. Not just my kids issues but there's some personal crap as well. I'm just floating around every day, doing my thing and getting absolutely nothing out of it. I'm lonely. Bored. Unhappy. Anxious and depressed. Physically not well.
What kind of existence is this? What do I do to feel better again.
I'm tired of therapists. Seriously. I've seen my share of them between myself and my kids and they all just suck. What does a person do?
You might say "You're depressed. Get help."
Yeah, no shit I am depressed. What kind of help will really make a difference? I can't fall asleep at night because I can't slow my mind down. I wake up in the morning depressed. Nothing is fun. I have no motivation. I'm behind on a lot of things. All I want to do is sit at the computer and do mindless crap, sleep, or do word searches. (Yeah, word searches. I finished three books of them last week and am halfway through the new one I bought yesterday.)

As for the kids, Little Guy has been doing awesome. Really awesome. He had a couple of instances the past few days where he got in trouble and had consequences - and he took them!! Six months ago he would have spent 4 hours in a violent rage but this time - he accepted them like a "normal" ten year old child and went on with life. I am so happy. Yesterday his in home therapist - S - was here for a bit to see him and something came up where S just stood there with his mouth hanging open because he couldn't believe how great Little Guy did in this situation.
He has been having a tough time at school. I think he is having a really tough time with transitioning to a new teacher and new classmates. Last week I had to go pick him up from school tow days in a row because he was trying to run away and he got pretty unpleasant towards the teachers. He even needed to be restrained at one point because he was trying to bite the teachers. This is totally new for him. He has always done awesome at school and wild at home. But this year (so far) it's been the opposite. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will quickly adjust to the new year and be able to succeed.

blah blogging cycle

2010-09-14T08:34:00.004-04:00

I've been in another "blah" blogging cycle I guess. Not leaving comments. Not writing. I have been dealing with some pretty heavy personal stuff and it's killing me. Not literally but it is just killing me. I am slowly working on trying to "fix" it but it's going to take a lot of work. Right now though, I just don't seem to have a lot of mental (or physical) energy in me to do the work. It sucks.
Today, I am going to make a phone call to a friend and ask for some help/support. I've been trying to deal with my issues on my own and I'm not getting very far. (C- you know what i'm talking about)

So, a kid update. Little Guy is doing well. He is really and truly doing well. I still don't know if it's the meds, the time of year, or the wind blowing the right way - but W O W - it's been a long time since he's had this many good days. His mouth is still pretty foul - but - no rages. No major meltdowns. He can recover from an upset fairly quickly and well. No problems at school. (yet) It's really good. I'm so happy. It's got to be a good feeling for him too to feel in control of himself. I really find it so hard to grasp that a low dose of strattera is making this much of a difference. whowoulddathunkit?
After all of the anti psychotics, mood stabilizers, anti-seizure drugs and more - and Strattera helps. I dunno. But, I'll take it and run. Because, I know things can change like the flip of a switch. Sadly, that's the nature of the beast.

So today - I am catching up on laundry. Getting out to see what's new at my favorite thrift shop. Getting stuff together for dinner tonight. Make a few phone calls and of course, tend to my farm.

Love you all! xoxo

school

2010-09-07T09:02:00.002-04:00

It's that time of year. Back to school. Here's hoping for a good year for all of my kids. My daughter starts high school this year (holy crap!)

Big Guy

Little Guy - he wasn't too happy with me taking his picture

fml

2010-09-02T15:51:00.003-04:00

I'm having a pretty bad FML week. It's not good. I am a trainwreck.
On the positive side, Little Guy continues to do pretty well. I am not holding my breath but I am really happy about it. I don't know if it's the meds or if the wind is blowing the right way but it's good. I hope it continues when he starts school.

Hurricane Earl - yeah. I'm excited. Serious. I need something thrilling in my life. As long as we don't lose power for too long. I wouldn't want my crops to wither.

hurricane's a comin

2010-08-30T14:27:00.002-04:00

Hurricane Earl is coming. Am I a freak because I want to get hist with a hurricane? I've been through hurricane Gloria and Bob. Both were very cool. Well, I'd say cool because the worst thing that happened was that we lost power for a week each time. We didn't have damage to our home or anything. Little Guy is dying to get hit by a big storm too.

Speaking of Little Guy, he's been doing pretty well. I don't know if it's the Strattera. Probably isn't. But I can hope, right? The past few days he seems to be a little better focused. We'll be raising the dose in the next day or so and hope for the best.
Sc

haircuts

2010-08-26T12:23:00.001-04:00

I got my hair cut today. Not planned. Took Big Guy in for his back to school cut and decided to have mine done too. She cut a LOT. My hair was one length, and very long, thick and frizzy. She thinned me out and gave me lots of long layers. It's gonna take some time to get used to it.

he's home

2010-08-20T10:40:00.003-04:00

Little Guy is now home. Honestly, not a lot has changed. I did miss him and I am glad to have him back. But I have already been verbally attacked as a result of giving him a consequence. Big Guy tried to help me and make sure I was ok. (he's a great kid) Moods flipped like a switch. Same ol same ol. He is very angry and won't talk about it. When something sets him off - he really takes it and runs.
The interesting (sort of) thing is he isn't on any meds right now. None. Zip. Nada. And I don't see any difference in him from when he was on meds. His Psych and I talked about getting him started on Strattera once he was home. I am holding off. He sees her next week and we'll talk some more about it. I really don't know what to do. There is certainly a focusing issue but how bad will it affect him in school? Hard to tell. I really and truly do not know what I want to do. At this point in time, I don't know what is best.
We're going to attempt to take the boys to the beach for a few days. It could be an interesting experience. I just don't know.

just checking in

2010-08-15T12:26:00.002-04:00

Holy cow - I haven't posted in like 10 days. Whatever.
I'm struggling horribly with anxiety lately. I'm stressed about Little Guy coming home in just a few days. While I am excited to have him back home (i miss him) I am still scared to death. It's causing my anxiety to go thru the roof and I don't like it at all. I hate the feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin. it sucks.
I am seeing my nice Dr in a couple of days, and will be asking her for some nice new pills to help with it.
This morning I cleaned out Little Guy's bedroom. Threw out a big trash bag of crap. Vacuumed. Dusted. Washed his bedding. It's all ready for him. I just wish I was.

bracelets

2010-08-04T13:58:00.003-04:00

Because I have allergies to a few different popular antibiotics and because I have my insides re-arranged, I have thought about getting myself a medical ID bracelet many times.
Typically they are pretty u.g.l.y. and i want nothing to do with them. however there is a company that offers some pretty pretty and unusual ones and I may just have to order one for myself now.
Check out Lauren's Hope
I am really liking
this one
this one
and
this one

Hmm....

This might be good for any moms who have special kids that may need an ID bracelet. When my boys were younger and suffered from verbal apraxia, I got them both an ID bracelet with their name, address and phone number - because they were not able to speak clearly enough for a stranger to understand them. I wish they had some cool designs like these back then.

Excuse my language....

2010-08-03T09:06:00.005-04:00

But if you don't like swears - than go away.

It's been one fucking hell of a shitty long-ass week. And it's only Tuesday.

Yup, that's my mood. It sucks. I suck. Life sucks.

Stop this friggin ride coz I wanna get off.

As I start the very beginnings of a major life change, I need your love. I'll share more about it at some point, just not now. There are some people that read my blog (waving hello, I see you on my statcounter) that I don't want to know all the juicy details of my life just yet.

However, feel free to email me if you want to offer some support. I'm not looking for advice - not yet. Just love. Kthanks

I love my blog friends. I really do a lot. You all are really the only friends I have in this world. Kinda pathetic when I think of it. But, I do know that I'm not alone. There are many other mom's who have special kids that know exactly what I feel. It's not fun.
When you really and truly need love and support, who do you go to? It's not like I can go to my "team" and cry on their shoulders. Well, I suppose technically I could - they do get paid per visit. It doesn't matter if we are working on a plan or if i am in tears for the whole hour.

I have to say, what a summer it's been. Wow. Really. A lot of life changes and things going on. Some good. Some pretty shitty.

It's My Birthday

2010-07-26T00:48:00.000-04:00

So today I turn 39. Uh - oh. 365 more days until doom.
I read this post a few days ago on Lola's Diner ( hi Lola) and I like it. Some of you who are reading this already follow Lola and have read this already. Others have not. So, I am sharing it anyway. Beacuse I like it and because it's my birthday. So there!

I certainly am lucky to be around considering all the shenanigans we got into as kids and considering all the new fangled safety devices that are around to protect our children today.

As a child:
We never wore seat belts. Not required. Most cars didn't have them. And us kids fought over the front seat. The most unsafe spot in the car for a child!
We never wore bicycle helmets. What helmet?.
We never had any anti-bacterial soaps or cleaners.
We never had hand sanitizer.
We drank tap water without a second thought.
We drank from the garden hose all summer long. Every summer!
We ran wild through the neighborhood, or the next few over and our parents were none the wiser as long as we were home on time for lunch and dinner.
We trick-or-treated by ourselves and ate most of our candy before we got home.
We used insect repellent products containing 100% Deet or some more deadly carcinogen.
Rambunctious toddlers ran loose and our parents didn't have a care in the world. There were no toddler leashes or GPS Nanny Devices. Speaking of nannies, we didn't have nannies or governesses unless we were British royalty or our names were von Trapp.
We didn't have to worry about "R" rated movies. There were either movies everyone could watch, or XXX movies. And us kids didn't know about those, unless we had some pretty cool teenage friends.
We raced on our bicycles chasing the ice cream truck like starving orphans, without any regard to other vehicular traffic. And it came every single summer day.
Mr. Rogers was our neighbor and he came into our living rooms every day and no one thought that was the slightest bit odd, this kind of man-child who played with puppets and trolleys in the neighborhood of make-believe.
If our parents were smokers, they smoked literally everywhere. At fast food restaurants, bars, grocery stores, airplanes. Just about anywhere but church. There was no consideration for secondhand smoke. It was smoke em if ya got em.
There was no stranger danger.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint and the space between the rails was dangerously large enough for us to get our heads or even or bodies stuck in.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets.
Toys were painted with lead paint and had dangerously sharp edges. Recalls were unheard of.
We spent hours at construction sites, watching the big equipment from close-up.
If we got hurt at a friend's house or at school, there were no lawsuits. They were accidents and no one was at fault!
We drank Fresca and Tab with saccharine and cyclamates.
We didn't have computers and a television in our rooms. We had Commodore 64 (if we were really lucky) and the lone television in the family room. (Color, if we were lucky.)
We did not have PSP's, Nintendo DS's, Game Boys, Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, Wii's, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, Blueray movies, DVD movies, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Iphones, Droids, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms, Facebook ... we had friends.
Our actions were our ours. Consequences were guaranteed! If we broke a law, our parents were on the side of law enforcement!

Think of it.

How is it we survived? And how did so many of us survive?

camp and cuteness

2010-07-24T09:16:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow we get to visit Little Guy at camp. I'm really looking forward to seeing him. I think he is excited about it too. I had a good conversation with his head counselor about how he's doing and while he's had some struggles, he's been doing well. I think the biggest issue has been his mouth. Very foul. He's had some cases of bolting when he wasn't happy about certain things, which has lead to some kicking and hitting as he was being brought back to where he needed to be - but - he's doing OK. And I am glad. It's been a positive experience for him. (and me) We were so very fortunate that he had the opportunity to go to this camp. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he can get there next year as well. It's a really good setting for him and the staff is amazing.

For your daily dose of cuteness - I've given one of my tiny Hello Kitty toys to Weezie to play with. I think she's addicted.

As you can see, her little paws are pink. It's from her constant licking. Shes an allergic dog. Poor baby. Luckily her ultra low dose of Temeril-P helps. At one point she was scratching herself raw.

Have a great weekend!

well , ok -

2010-07-17T13:47:00.001-04:00

disregard the title of my last post -

this is

The real dog days of summer

Another dog day of summer

2010-07-17T12:25:00.007-04:00

It's hot. I don't like it. My thermometer says 81 but I think it's hotter than that.

This is my new (old) car. 1974 Malibu. Alan's latest project. Once my car is sold, I'll be driving this.

Big Guy is home from his 2 week camp. He has a blast and came back very tan. On Monday he starts day camp. (woot!)

Little Guy is still away. I'm missing him. (yikes!) While yes, I am thoroughly enjoying the peace & quiet, I still miss him. Yesterday I talked to his supervising counselor and she says he is doing really well. Although he has been super hyper. One minute totally distractable and hyper, then like a switch he will flip and become very focused. She sees super ADHD behaviors in him and, get this, she was really shocked to read in his paperwork that he has been in a mainstream classroom this far. She couldn't believe that he has been able to work alongside 20+ other kids and do well. I don't know how long that will last, as he started falling apart last year. So far we've been VERY lucky to have some great teachers that "got him." I can only hope that continues in the next few years. However, I do live in the real world. Not the land of sunshine and rainbows and I have a feeling that at some point, he will need a different classroom setting. But, for now, he is doing well. We have a visitors day on the 25th. The day before my birthday. I'm really excited to get to see him. When he and I talked on the phone yesterday he said he wanted me to take him home that day.

Um - no.

I've adjusted pretty well to being home after my fabulous vacation. Aside from it being very hot, I'm doing OK. Trying to get back into my normal routine and responsibilities. I've got a bunch of appointments set up for the next few weeks and other things that need to get done. It will be a busy summer.

Our week in a few pictures

2010-07-11T10:47:00.003-04:00

It's really been a good week. I've needed this for a very very long time.

we watched a storm move in across the bay.

saw an amazing sunset.

Weezie git a-hold of her first bone from our T-bone steaks. She wasn't quite sure what to do with it but it didn't take her too long to figure it out.

We gathered mussels and I had a yummy feast (or two) of them.

I spent some quality time sitting in my chair doing absolutely nothing.

And I'm getting a new (old) car. More on that later.
I've read about 7 books so far. Have discovered Debbie Macomber. I really enjoy her writing and have been reading the Blossom Street series. I can get through one book a day. We've really been loving our week off together. Really, we've spent it doing nothing. And that's just what we needed to do.

I'll be home soon.

2 kids - at camp - i am ...

2010-07-05T12:55:00.002-04:00

See You Soon...

2010-06-30T12:11:00.003-04:00

I was trying to decide what to blog about today. I have nothing super-uber interesting that I am able to share. That certainly does not mean there is nothing going on - I just can't share it right now.
All I will say is, This has been a shitty week and I can't wait for it to be over. Each day is shitty and I can't wait to get into bed and end the day.

On the plus side, Little Guy is doing fairly well. He's hyper and mouthy but no extreme rages. When he gets home from camp I need to do some serious work on behavior. It is not going to be easy at all but for the sake of my sanity, marriage, and home, I need to.

Have you seen the new silly bandz that are out?

Little Guy and all of the other kids in the neighborhood are into them. You know I had to go out and buy me a pack of them. Hee hee. Why not?

Camp #1 starts tomorrow morning. Then I'll just have Little Guy until Monday. Counting down the hours......